The Last Week or So....

I talked to Raym last night and he said he was checking in because I had not blogged in about a week. He knows the signs, I suppose. I think I if I looked at Michael's blog and did not see an update for even several days I would call to see what's up. I, of course, am not nearly as dedicated to my blogging as the folks at Chez Long, but I do aspire to blog at least once a week.

It is also difficult for me to blog when I am blue and I have been having a rough week for the most part. I opened my stupid mouth and volunteered to hem Jazmin's dress for her big dance last Saturday, saving her (or Betsy & David really) the $90 she said they were going to charge her to do it. It turned out to be a huge pain and I spent about 4 hours a day for 4 days working on it. It was fully lined with a train in the back and getting the curling material to do what I wanted it to do was a challenge to say the least. Then about half way through, I found out it would have been $25 to hem the dress and I wanted to shoot myself. I got it finished on Friday, the day before the big dance and it looked fine to any passerby, but I knew it was probably one of the worst sewing jobs I have ever done.

I was so angry at myself for trying to save the world it sent me into a tailspin of negativity. It did not help that I was a week before my period, feeling like I don't really belong anywhere on the planet, stressing about not having a job and the weak prospects in this area. Super depressed that I had been applying for jobs starting at $8-9 and hour making me feel rather worthless all around and on top of it all I could not seem to stop crying over every little thing. For the most part, I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die. Then, I was mad at myself for feeling like that, since, tempting as it may be, death is really not an option right now.

Things did pick up toward the end of the week when a person David bowls with said they were hiring a front desk person at her property management company, so Thursday I went to the office and dropped off my resume, thinking I could have an in here and feeling optimistic. Then, Friday I heard from the good job I had applied for, and when I say good that means the starting range of pay depending on experience was $16-$23 an hour, about $15 an hour less than I made at my last job, but $16-$23 more than I am making right now, so it's all good right?

The downside of this good job is that it is in Gardnerville. The upside of that is that there is no difference to me of living in Gardnerville or living in Sparks, they are both in the middle of nowhere and neither place feels like home, although Gardnerville is even cheaper to live in than Sparks, so that's a plus. But, if I move to Gardnerville, I am really looking at a life by myself. Even though Sparks is only an hour away, chances of me seeing David or the kids very much is really slim and I am fully aware of that. And I can forget about anyone visiting me, no one wants to vacation in Gardnerville and I can't blame them really. However, I can not imagine being any lonelier than I am right now living in a house full of people. I am interviewing today and when they offer me the job I will take it and see where this crazy Universe is taking me.

I have been tearing through novels and yesterday I sat down and reread Lousie Hays book, or most of it anyway. I know I can heal my life, and I just can't let myself get sidetracked by depression, and dammit, old habits do hang on, don't they? It snowed night before last and I sat on the porch watching the rain turn into snow and it was really rather beautiful despite the bitter cold. The sound of raindrops slowly disappeared while the quiet of the snow falling filled the air as it dusted the ground with white powder. The pictures are from the next morning which was yesterday. Proof that I am thinking about blogging even when I don't actually do it.




I was so excited to see actual icicles, don't ask me why.

This house and yard is kept fairly immaculate most of the time, but David has a dirty little secret on the side of the yard right outside the garage door where he throws debris and leaves it till spring. Currently the planters I chose not to keep in the house are over there too.

I took this picture last week when the sunset behind the clouds was just spectacular. This picture does not nearly do the moment justice.

And here is Jaz and Martin, begrudginly posing for pictures before the dance last Saturday. Jazmin did indeed look beautiful, and even sent me a text message thanking me for her dress after she left. I could tell from her happiness, she did not look too closely at the actual work, thank goodness.

So, there you have your update warts and all. Today I am focusing on loving the three year old who lives in my heart and spent last week throwing a tantrum. I am hoping she behaves herself at my interview today. I'll keep you posted.