Letting Go

For most of my life, I would have described myself as an easy going, go with the flow kinda gal. In recent years, as my quest for truth has intensified through the challenges I have faced, I am starting to realize I may just be a super control freak. It is interesting what knowledge the Universe will provide you with when you ask.

I spent the previous hours of wakefulness this morning preparing my self mentally for another round of hitting the pavement looking for a job. I made my list, looked up all the websites, printed a map of downtown Reno, and affirmed to myself that today would be the day. Most of these places do not open till this afternoon, so I decided to read a book that Betsy gave me for Christmas titled Growing Wings by Kristen Jongen. It is an art and poetry book written with the purpose of telling her story of tragedy to triumph in the hopes of inspiring others to persevere. I have read parts of this book before always getting angry at the author, much the same way I felt about Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love. These women who thought they had the perfect life, then got divorced, had to sell their homes and start a new life with lots of money just plain pissed me off. My thoughts were cry me a river why don't you, healing your self with a year in Italy or a trip to Bali does not sound too damn bad if you ask me. Yet, somehow I was drawn to this book today and determined to read it all and glean what I could from it. The book came to me after all, and I was moved to bring it with me to David's house rather than put it in storage, so I decided to listen to my angels and read the book cover to cover,(its only 120 pages, so don't be too impressed), and maybe pain is pain and just because a person has money does not mean that she cannot face challenges to her spirit the same way I do. Maybe I can learn something useful.

Besides the fact that I was able to release my judgement and finish the book, one of the things that I took away was my own need to let go. I can feel myself clinging to desired outcomes and desperately wanting to have some control over my life. As I closed the book, I sat and looked out at the yard and all the birds singing and playing around Betsy's feeders and I thought to myself, all I can do is breathe and be. I have to just wait for the right thing to find me. I will continue to pound the pavement, but I will do so without expectations and without judgement of my self. If I can just focus on letting go and trusting the Universe, then maybe I will discover a life here that makes sense. And when I say here, I mean, here in my own body, in my own heart, in my own soul. If I can just let go of trying to make myself something, then maybe the smoke will clear and I will see who I really am, and maybe, just maybe I will really like her.

One of the things Emilie talked about alot at Continuum was that we all need to just dissolve into ourselves sometimes and release our attachment to form, only to reorganize into something new, which inevitably brings something stronger and more potent to the forefront of our consciousness, creating new neural pathways that help us redefine ourselves in a way we never imagined could be possible. The only way to do this is to slow down and let go. I am grateful for my years at Continuum and the connection to my body that I gained there. Fuck the job I did, that meant nothing. It is the connection to my self and my biology that was the reason I was there, I can see that now.

Letting go is the goal for today and we shall see what tomorrow brings. Have a great day!